What is the point?

Warning: An extremely personal and long post ahead. If you take the time to read it, comment. It’s compulsory. 

Oblivion. We all are oblivious of our pasts, well atleast most of us non-historians are.

       Yesterday, I had been feeling very helpless, shattered even. You see, I have a YouTube channel and since I’m not very ‘popular’ no one seems to wanna watch it. “But Ramsha, people don’t have time for someone as inconsequential as you,” is something what you would say to me. I know. “Maybe your videos just plain suck.” Yes, I completely agree. The first one sucked a lot, the second one sucked a little lesser, the third one sucked even lesser and the fourth one sucked the least. I’m working as hard as I can in order for them to not suck. And since, I put in the most effort in filming and editing the fourth video, I’m damn proud of it. I tried my best. And as we all know, the basic aim of anything one has put a lot of hard work in, is to be noticed. So, in order for everyone to know that I did something more worthwhile with my life, I shared the video with all the important and semi-important and not-so-important people in my Whatsapp contacts list. I’m not saying that one has to applaud me by saying,”Damn! That was an amazing video! Great job!” No.

      Even if someone takes the time to tell me,”Your video sucks!” I would be happy. But when people read my texts and don’t reply, my heart breaks a little. I mean how can one judge something when they haven’t even watched it? And it wasn’t just one or two people who didn’t say anything, it was about thirty people. THIRTY PEOPLE.

Not only that, one of my insanely popular classmates at college made a very professional-looking video with others’ help and got over 600 views in a day. At first it bothered me. A lot. A LOT lot. But then I decided to let it pass. I don’t own the right to make videos. I alone don’t own the right to love YouTube. To make videos. Hell, for all I know, his video would’ve got a million views by now. Good for him, and I genuinely mean it.

“But Ramsha, you’re not gonna get a million views in a day. No one will know about you so soon. Why are you even making these videos? What is the point of all this?” Is something else you would say in order to console and question me at the same time.

Well let me tell ya, till now, in these glorious eighteen years of my life, I haven’t found something I excel at, and making videos might serve as the gateway for movie-making. Maybe directing is the right direction for me. I dunno. I’m still living through this thing called life. I’m just making this all up as I go along.

That brings me to why I felt so helpless. I felt that all my day’s-worth of editing was for naught. I felt that I didn’t need to work so hard for something that no one would watch, something that no one would even care about. No one would want to watch an unpopular person. No one. It got so bad that I had a panic attack. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t think. I couldn’t calm down. I wouldn’t calm down.

I explained all of this to my dad. “Daddy, no one cares. Everyone just asks me that why I am doing all this. No one seems to answer my texts. I mean why can’t they JUST, just look at the goddamn video once?! Do they see through all my insecurities and say ‘Hey! This girl sucks! She literally has an invisible Loser sign on her head which is only seen by us! MUAHAHA! Let’s make her feel even more worthless by not watching her stupid, boring video!’ ”

“Ramsha, just try harder. Become better at this. If making videos is what you wanna do, just give it your all. Just give it your best shot. Eventually, someone important will notice. Just, be patient. Try harder. Just keep on moving forward. These people who haven’t replied do not matter. Don’t just give up. Don’t give up on yourself.” My dad said with a hug.

And I did feel better once my dad said all that. He and my mom are the only two people who will back me up no matter what. They’re the absolute best.

But something else bothered me. Once I realised what it was, the thought grew like a virus. It consumed me. Saddened me. I said to myself,” What is the point of all this? Of life? Am I supposed to rule the world and live an extravagant life, or am I supposed to blend in with the other fellow mundane human beings? All of this, all this effort won’t even matter in a say a hundred years. I’ll be dead. No one will remember me anyway. I’ll live a mundane and die a mundane.” I just felt empty. It felt like all my creativity, all my zest was sucked out by those existential questions. I was anxious. I was deeply unhappy.

But then I realised something, I was not going to give up on MY dreams just because some insignificant people did not validate me by not watching my hard-work. Dammit, I am going to work harder and smarter. And if those blasted existence-questioning questions bother me, I’ll just exercise or better yet, watch some anime. Or eat some chips. And, finally:

‘I WILL WORK HARD.  I’LL MAKE IT COUNT. I HAVE TO. I JUST HAVE TO.’

 

And if any of you guys feel an existential crisis arising due to some unimportant people or events, just remember – ‘ YOU ARE THE POINT.

If anyone else feel this way, please comment. Let’s all face this together. Let’s kick it to the curb. Just comment.  

Whew! I feel much better now.

 

 

 

 

 

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58 thoughts on “What is the point?

  1. It’s so disheartening when you put effort and passion into something that no one or very few people see
    But I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s better to have a handful of people who really care about what you’re doing than a hundred people who may look briefly but haven’t truly engaged. Don’t

    Liked by 3 people

  2. If u love what you’re doing, keep doing it..because u love it, don’t worry about peer approval…most people aren’t that sophisticated or appreciative of artistic effort…u do it for one reason–cuz it is part of who u r..an expression of your heart and soul and if people don’t recognize u, u don’t need them..

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Hang in there. Your patience will pay off in the near future. I watched you up to the end, and I tell you, your enthusiasm and sincerity are charming. But that ‘sthe only one that I have watched so far because I have not gotten any notification of the others you have made.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. That’s the spirit. And don’t mind it so much if there are a few watching to date…… just go and do as many as you like. Patience is the key for things like this. Don’t stop.

        Liked by 2 people

  4. I’m glad you’re feeling better. And it’s true, keep on with the hard work, nothing can knock you down. Being constant is the key for success (that’s what my father says)!! XD You’ll be getting more and more views over time! Your channel’s great (and I would subscribe if I had a channel). XD Great post!! XD

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I’ve felt like this before about my writing. I thought ‘what’s the point if there’s no one to read it?’ Hence starting a blog! I was really glad to see you find the positive thoughts at the end of your post, and my advice to add to that would be ‘Don’t worry about what others think, do it for yourself’. You’re proud of your videos and right you should be! I think it’s a big step. On here we are people behind words but on a video you’re putting yourself right out there. Everything has to start somewhere. I’ve watched one of your videos so far and you came across to me as funny, witty, level-headed, and genuinely caring and thoughtful. Keep going!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Well
    Ramsha, don’t be worried.
    Its a long life. There is a plenty of people bothering you. Think about those Bollywood stars that we seldom like. Even after being on top of their careers their movies suffer loss or least profit.
    Like “Fukrey”, it is such a great movie. Yet it wasn’t a hit.
    Happens, it happens with me too.
    Keep working.
    🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Yeah. Sometimes when I write a post and I don’t get many views, I wonder if it is because it looked pathetic and whether it sucked. When I don’t get replies to text, I think, “It’s because I am not worth even a ‘k”” It all gets to you so hard. But as you keep going you can find people who appreciate you…. at least I found some people like that online. I know the feeling. Hugs

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I had to comment, Ramexa. I see that some people tend to overthink too much things. They constantly focus on the bad. A YouTube channel that you say you have little views. Well first of all there are millions and millions of channels, so it is hard to get views. That´s just life. Second, it´s just a YouTube channel, not the end of the world. You have a lot of readers that like what you post here, you have family support, you are lucky to be able to get into the internet let alone have a YouTube channel, don´t take that for granted. You have a roof over your head, a loving family, food on the table, things that I didn´t have, I do now after working a lot on me. But a lot of people out there don´t have a quarter of what you have. So be grateful for what you do have, focus on the positive that you seem to take for granted. And just live life,doing what you like to do and if something comes out of it then fine, if not, well that is life. Is not perfect, quite a long time I did realise that I had to opérate in an imperfect world, with imperfect people,instead of wanting to change the world to fit my needs. It will just drive a person to depression. So be happy, for what you have and what you are doing, live day to day. If writing and making videos makes you happy keep going at it. Just have fun with it.I.

    I never started my blog thinking, how many followers I want to reach, what type of followers, how should I make my blog more appealing, e.t.c. I just had fun Reading other people and then posting my crazy stories, since at the beginnin of my blogging experience I didn´t write poetry, it was som crazy rando things, that I had fun writing. That developed into having quite some followers now, have met great people here for the most part, and now I´m about to have someone publish some of my nutty poetry. And this was never planned. I just did what I loved to do, learned in the meanwhile about this poetry thing but with my slant on it, and overall did what I love to do. Never thought much about the future or that I´m not getting this amount of followers or this amount of views, things just fell in place and if they didn´t, it certainly is not the end of the world. It´s just internet and blogging, so putting things in perspective is good.

    Just a simple thought.
    Which for this, since I sound like a psychologist you owe me 5$, and is a small fee only because you are a girl 😉

    Take care, and enjoy your day to day life without overthiking all that much.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes I do realise that I overthought a lot. And I’m so, so grateful for my family and friends. And I know that numbers do not matter, but I do have a few expectations from myself. I’ll just do what I love and what makes me happy. And I’m sorry but I don’t have 5 dollars. :p
      Thank you so much for your advice.

      Liked by 1 person

  9. Hiba

    I CAN RELATE. My friends and I put together a beauty blog, here on wordpress. My personal blog is doing so well with followers- but not the beauty one. We assumed 3 people working on it, instead of one, would be way quicker. But then we hit a wall, and realised- dammit, we are doing this because WE LIKE IT. Not for the likes and the follows! Superwoman has taught me one thing- do it to make yourself proud, not to show other people you could do it!! I’ve subscribed to your channel- I will watch your video shortly after this comment!

    (PS- I did tag you in this quotes challenge! https://fortunesofthebrave.wordpress.com/2016/01/11/3-day-3-quote-day-1/)

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Keep going! Don’t give up! I like your videos!! I think they’re very creative. Don’t let views determine your worth. It takes time for viewership to develop. If you are consistently posting, I’m sure eventually you will see results. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  11. I’m in an area of poor internet, but I will try to check your videos eventually. What you’re feeling is normal. I’m glad you have good family support. Keep working hard and do your best. That’s all any of us can do.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. shiivani

    I know exactly how this feels. But those who get famous overnight just get lucky and that fame doesn’t last very long. It sucks to feel like no one cares, but most of us start out that way. For what it’s worth, in a few years if you keep your passion of making videos, you never know; you might have a million views in only an hour. There’s always a maybe and a perhaps, there’s always hope.

    Liked by 1 person

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